Listening is not Passive: 4 Evidence-Based Practices that Build Trust

Most leaders think that they are great listeners.

Many employees disagree.

Research in leadership and organizational psychology consistently shows a gap between how leaders rate their own listening skills and how those same skills are experienced by the people they lead. Part of the reason is simple. We usually judge ourselves based on intent, while others experience us based on impact. When those two don’t align, trust erodes, even when the leader has good intentions.

There is a meaningful difference between “I have received the information you’re telling me,” and “I can see your perspective and understand where you’re coming from.” If you are on the receiving end of the conversation, which one feels better?

Listening often gets labeled as easy. After all, we do it all day. But listening is more complex than it looks. Our brains are highly efficient and constantly predicting what comes next. When our brains have a lot to process, they shift into autopilot, prioritizing speed and response over presence. Then we miss nonverbal cues, stop asking curious questions, and mentally draft our reply or our grocery list while the other person is still talking.

Active listening is exactly that– active. It requires intention, attention, and a willingness to stay present with uncertainty. The good news is that listening is not a personality trait. It is a set of observable behaviors that can be practiced and improved. Below are four evidence-based practices that strengthen active listening. You don’t need all four in every conversation. Even using one intentionally can change the quality of an important conversation.

You will see a brief description of the skill, and some examples of what it might look or sound like. We will explain why it works and why it builds trust. We will also discuss what the counterfeit skills look like. The counterfeit might appear to be the skill on the surface, but don’t actually serve active listening and can be a major trust breaker.

Active Listening Skill 1: Reflect

Reflection is acting as a mirror and restating your understanding, without judgment. This might include sharing the non-verbal cues you noticed and the emotion being expressed. You don’t have to be right in your interpretation of their message, emotions, or body language, as long as you express it in a way that allows them to correct you.

What it looks/sounds like:

• “It sounds like you are frustrated with the shifting deadlines and need help with prioritizing your work. Do I have that right?”

• “The way you said ‘It’s not a big deal,’ makes me think that maybe it is a big deal.”

• “It seems like you are excited about this upcoming project and are interested in being involved in the planning.”

Why it works:

This proves that you are listening. It ensures that you receive the information that they are sharing. And gives them the opportunity to correct your understanding.  This reduces the amount of mental effort the speaker has to use. It also helps both you, the listener, and the talker move their brains from “threat” mode and into “problem-solving” mode. This starts or builds on a foundation of trust.

The counterfeit:

• Parroting back what they said word-for-word. This doesn’t show your understanding, just that you can repeat back the words.

• Using reflection only to rebut everything said, “Let me explain point by point, why you’re wrong.”

• Assuming your interpretation of emotions or body language is always correct. “Clearly, you are mad, because you stomped your foot on the way in the door.” Well, actually, they tripped…

Active Listening Skill 2: Validate

Validation is all about acknowledging the logic or the emotion behind someone's experience or perspective. This doesn’t mean you agree or endorse where they are coming from, but that you can see their point of view.

What it looks/sounds like:

• “Given the information you had at the moment, I can see why you made the decision.”

• “I can understand why you would be frustrated when that happened.”

Why it works:

This validation is one of the quickest ways to diffuse defensiveness. It tells the brain, “You didn’t make an unforgivable mistake, so you don’t have to defend yourself.” The defensive brain is in fight or flight mode, so by reducing this, you are engaging more logical thinking. This builds trust because it shows the other person that you aren’t jumping to punishment or shaming, but are recognizing the humanity in the other.

The counterfeit:

• Validate verbally, then use the information against them later. “You said you weren’t thinking clearly, so you don’t have the skills.”

• Validating without accountability. It might make sense that they did that, but how do we do better next time?

• Validating the emotion, while dismissing the impact. “I get why you were upset, but you just need to toughen up.”

• Saying that you understand as a shortcut instead of listening.

Active Listening Skill 3: Ask Open-Ended, Curious Questions

A skillfully asked question helps to expand your understanding, and helps the other person to better understand their own thinking. This is a leadership double-dip because you are getting the information you need, but you are also encouraging critical thinking, communication skills, and problem-solving skills for everyone involved.

What it looks/sounds like:

• “What solutions did you consider?”

• “What support do you need to be successful?”

• “Tell me more about what led up to that.” (Notice that it isn’t actually a question, but it still encourages more conversation.)

Why it works:

These types of questions create an atmosphere of collaboration rather than compliance or punishment. They signal that you respect their thinking and input. This can go a long way to increase trust. It also helps to build ownership of the outcome because the other person was able to contribute. These questions also activate the “curious” brain, which wants to know more and learn. 

The counterfeit:

• Why questions, which can feel accusatory. “Why were you late?” I have often found that you can adjust the wording just a tad to get the information without raising defenses: “What happened that made you late?”

• Leading questions that imply one correct answer. “What would have happened if you had communicated earlier?”

• Rapid-fire questions or not giving enough time for a full answer. Harsh tones or rapid pacing make it feel like an interrogation rather than a conversation.

Active Listening Skill 4: Hold Space

Resist the urge to fix, correct, reassure, redirect, reframe, or jump in too quickly. This can be hard because, as a leader, you want to fix and encourage the people you lead, but this open space is where trust is built. The nervous system needs space to process information, and giving it shows that you are willing to give your time and energy into understanding the one you are listening to.

What it looks/sounds like:

• Allowing silence, without rushing to fill it.

• Leaning into big emotions. “Wow, that sounds so frustrating,” followed by a pause.

• Staying present, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Why it works:

Like the other tools, this silence helps your brain to recognize that it doesn’t need to be in threat mode. It allows our nervous system to regulate. Also, people have a much easier time thinking critically, reflecting on their actions and thoughts, and problem-solving when they feel like they have been heard.

The counterfeit:

• Using the silence to count how many seconds you should be quiet,

• Using the silence to judge the situation or mentally prepare your response.

• Using silence as a justification for checking out or disengaging.

• Using silence to avoid giving feedback or holding someone accountable.

My Thoughts

As much as we might like to believe otherwise, listening is not automatic. It is a skill that must be practiced, and it becomes harder to use when conversations are uncomfortable or the stakes feel high. These practices may seem time-consuming or difficult to justify in a fast-paced work environment. But as the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Over time, these tools build trust and relationships, increase psychological safety, and create the conditions for collaboration, creativity, and learning.

I don’t recommend trying to use all four of these practices in your next tough conversation. Trying to master everything at once usually backfires and could cause overwhelm in a conversation rather than improving it. Instead, choose one practice to use more intentionally. Notice when your brain shifts into cruise control and gently bring it back. Resist the very natural leadership urge to fix, defend, plan, or jump ahead, and experiment with a different response.

It is these small moments that add credit to your relational bank account. When someone feels heard, understood, validated, and invited into the conversation, trust grows. Over time, the returns show up in stronger relationships, higher engagement, healthier team culture, and better performance.

Listening isn’t about who you are. It’s about what you practice.

Research (click to expand)

Active Listening

Itzchakov, G., Kluger, A. N., & Castro, D. R. (2017). I am aware of my inconsistencies but can tolerate them: High-quality listening increases speakers’ attitude complexity. Journal of Applied Psychology, 102(6), 920–933. https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000166

Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin.

Skill 1: Reflect

Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0045357

Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 241–254. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.241

Skill 2: Validate

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x

Skill 3: Ask Open-Ended, Curious Questions

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01

Kang, M. J., Hsu, M., Krajbich, I. M., Loewenstein, G., McClure, S. M., Wang, J. T., & Camerer, C. F. (2009). The wick in the candle of learning: Epistemic curiosity activates reward circuitry. Psychological Science, 20(8), 963–973. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02453.x

Skill 4: Hold Space

Kolb, D. A. (2015). Experiential learning: Experience as the source of learning and development (2nd ed.). Pearson Education.

Grant, A. M. (2014). The efficacy of executive coaching in times of organisational change. Journal of Change Management, 14(2), 258–280. https://doi.org/10.1080/14697017.2013.805159